So what’s a typical 4th of July celebration like in Our Nation’s Capitol of Baloneyville? You thought you might have a BBQ or attend a nice Nationals game until you looked at the forecast and saw it was going to be 100 degrees outside. So instead you head to the most un-patriotic museum you can think of, the Feminazi National Museum of Women in the Arts, where there are exhibits by French artists and a radical nun. Then you feel a little guilty for your un-American fun and head to the Capitol City Brewery. It has “Capitol” in it’s name! It’s so patriotic!

Time to brave the National Mall, where all the magic really happens. Want to go the Crapitol Fourth Concert? Good luck with that, it’s like Fort Knox. This is about as close as you will get and you will hear only the faint sound of something garbled through their speaker system. It’s probably Josh Groban anyway.

Since there is so much construction on the Mall, you decide to walk over to the Jefferson Memorial to see the fireworks. It’s not that far! Oh wait, it is. Did I also mention it’s hot as Hades? Even after dark? You might stop on the sidewalk by the Hirshhorn museum where there are some mysterious air conditioned breezes.

You get down to the tidal basin and pick what you think is the perfect spot to see the fireworks. But when they start you are right behind a god-damned cherry tree and next to a screaming baby.

But then you stroll over to the Jefferson Memorial after everyone has gone home and sit on the steps and a nice breeze picks up. And then you see a gigantic rat scurrying out of the overflowing trash cans. America, fuck yeah!