Lee Hazlewood Tells It Like It Is

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It’s been too long, Baloney fans! There’s just been so much material lately, and the Mayor for Life was overwhelmed by the riches before her. To get back in the groove, let’s listen to the late, great Lee Hazlewood’s proclamation that you can be patriotic and yet, “never vote Republican!” It’s soooooooo 2007. But perhaps candidates of a certain party should consider playing this at their rallies. It will surely win over the white men, the most important demographic group of them all.

 

Baloney of the Week Award: Vincent “Gomez” Gray

So what’s worse: the fact that Our Baloney M may have orchestrated some “shadow campaign,” illegally spending hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign money? Or the fact that he may have been totally oblivious to the fact that this was going on right under his nose? Or that professional campaign staff have no idea what the laws are concerning campaign spending? Or that we’re just supposed to wait around for the U.S. Attorney to charge Gray with a crime before he resigns? You decide, Baloneyites!

Book Review: Lizz Free or Die by Lizz Winstead

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A few weeks ago I went to see my feminist political comedian hero (and the most reliably funny person on Twitter), Lizz Winstead, at the Sidney Harman Hall in our lovely Baloney Chinatown. On tour for her book Lizz Free or Die, Winstead did a little reading and comedy bit combo. For some reason I was expecting this to be a show in a big auditorium with people hootin’ and hollerin’ like on an HBO comedy special. Instead, it was in a small room in the basement with maybe 40 or so women and gay men. And old people! This was my kind of show.

Lizz does the show with her notes on music stands, which makes me feel so much better about my terrible memory problems. Her commentary on all of the recent War on Women Baloney was hysterical, but unfortunately I can’t remember much of it. I should have taken notes. I do remember her making fun of Ann and Mitt Romney a lot, and the other Republican presidential contenders. Trust me, it was funny. The gays loved her!

The book is a series of essays that span from her childhood to the present. Growing up in a seriously Catholic family in Minnesota, Lizz felt a little out of place when she started to shape her own more liberal social and political views. Her chapter on getting knocked up at 17 and tricked into going to one of those “crisis pregnancy centers” is priceless and ought to be required reading for all teenage girls out there. And her reminiscences of 1980s Minneapolis are a great reminder of how wonderful midwestern cities are: cheap, supportive of artists and full of opportunities for smart young people to cut their teeth (not to mention the plethora of awesome bands there at the time). Seriously, why do I live on the east coast again? Everyone in their 20s and maybe 30s too should be grabbing the next bus ticket to the heartland. Even Patti Smith agrees!

Most people are going to read the book for the chapters on Winstead’s birthing of the Daily Show and Air America Radio. What really stood out to me is the exhaustion that must come from working on these kinds of shows. To us at home, every show is packaged nicely and looks like is must have been easy to put together. Not that she’s complaining as she seems to have loved every second of it, but she recounts the never-ending work schedule, anxiety about being constantly funny and disagreements with those that control the purse strings and worries about where the next job will come from. Seriously, check out the chapter where she shamefully admits to being involved with the MTV show Burned, titled “I Should Have Been Sent to Feminist Gitmo.” Shudder.

Most memoirs by famous people have that patronizing “I was just a Joe Schmoe but I worked hard and you can too” schtick that is obvious BS. Winstead makes it clear that she had plenty of fumbles and major embarrassment on the way to her success, and that she owes a lot of friends and family who helped her along the way. The heart of the book is Winstead’s relationship with her fabulously cranky, conservative and hilarious dad, Wilbur, who made appearances on the early days of the Daily Show. His influence threads throughout every chapter. It seems pretty clear that without him to spar with, Lizz would never have been so hungry to break out into the comedy scene and never would have had such strong, insightful opinions, either. Thanks Wilbur!

In the Olden Days: Frederick Douglass House

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If you haven’t been over to Anacostia to see the Frederick Douglass House because you think that area is sooooooooooo stabby, you’re really missing out. Then again, if you think Anacostia is sooooooooooo stabby, you probably have no idea who Frederick Douglass is anyway.

The tour starts out with a viewing of “Fighter for Freedom: The Frederick Douglass Story” in the bunker of a visitor’s center. This film was made circa 1984 and is now available on youtube! Check it out, it’s awesome. My favorite part is when Fred and John Brown hug it out.

Next, we climbed up to the house, which sits on a huge hill, with one of the best views of the city. He moved into the house (built by John van Hook, a racist Anacostia robber baron in the 1850s) in 1877 when he was appointed U.S. Marshall of the District of Columbia.

It’s quite a fancy house, with two parlors, 6 bedrooms and no bathrooms. We saw many fascinating objects owned by Frederick Douglass, including his rocking chair, piano, typewriter and chamber pot!

Frederick Douglass was quite the renaissance man. Besides fighting for justice for all, he also loved Shakespeare, traveling all over the world, playing violin and checkers, and lifting weights and swinging on his gymnastics rings out on the front porch. He had 21 grandchildren who obviously thought a visit to Grandpa Fred’s was the coolest thing ever.

Lastly, you can look around Douglass’ backyard and check out the reconstruction of his “Growlery,” otherwise known as his man cave. What a cool dude.

The Frederick Douglass House is open pretty much every day and is FREE. Get over your fear of the stabby and go!

A Crapitol Fourth!

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So what’s a typical 4th of July celebration like in Our Nation’s Capitol of Baloneyville? You thought you might have a BBQ or attend a nice Nationals game until you looked at the forecast and saw it was going to be 100 degrees outside. So instead you head to the most un-patriotic museum you can think of, the Feminazi National Museum of Women in the Arts, where there are exhibits by French artists and a radical nun. Then you feel a little guilty for your un-American fun and head to the Capitol City Brewery. It has “Capitol” in it’s name! It’s so patriotic!

Time to brave the National Mall, where all the magic really happens. Want to go the Crapitol Fourth Concert? Good luck with that, it’s like Fort Knox. This is about as close as you will get and you will hear only the faint sound of something garbled through their speaker system. It’s probably Josh Groban anyway.

Since there is so much construction on the Mall, you decide to walk over to the Jefferson Memorial to see the fireworks. It’s not that far! Oh wait, it is. Did I also mention it’s hot as Hades? Even after dark? You might stop on the sidewalk by the Hirshhorn museum where there are some mysterious air conditioned breezes.

You get down to the tidal basin and pick what you think is the perfect spot to see the fireworks. But when they start you are right behind a god-damned cherry tree and next to a screaming baby.

But then you stroll over to the Jefferson Memorial after everyone has gone home and sit on the steps and a nice breeze picks up. And then you see a gigantic rat scurrying out of the overflowing trash cans. America, fuck yeah!

Pepco Fought the Battle of Derecho

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Pepco fought the battle of Derecho, Derecho, Derecho
Pepco fought the battle of Derecho
But the trees came a-tumbling down

You may talk about your men of Dominion
You may talk about the men of BGE
But there’s none like good old Pepco
At the battle of Derecho (that evenin’)

Up to the walls of Derecho
They marched with tools in hand
“Come blow them truck horns,” Pepco said
“‘Cause the battle is in our hands.”

Then the outage maps began to glow
The weathermen began to sound
Pepco commanded the linemen to climb
But the limbs came a-tumblin’ down (that evenin’)

Pepco fought the battle of Derecho, Derecho, Derecho
Pepco fought the battle of Derecho
But the trees came a-tumbling down

Pepco fought the battle of Derecho, Derecho, Derecho
Pepco fought the battle of Derecho
But the lines came a-tumbling down

Things To Do While Waiting for the Supreme Court Obamacare Ruling

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Did you know that the Supreme Court Historical Society has a lovely little gift shop where you can buy Supreme Court tchotchkes? These items in particular might be just the thing to get us through the anxiety of waiting til Thursday for the 9 justices to decide the fate of our access to health care, the upcoming election, and free market capitalism itself.

Trying to read the tea leaves? Enjoy looking at them in this cute little mug for $12.95.

The weather’s so lovely out, maybe we should just play some hooky and head out to the golf course to distract ourselves. These Supreme Court golf balls are only $13.95 for a set of 3!

If you’re like me, there is nothing more enjoyable than getting lost in a good puzzle. This one is $15.95, although it doesn’t look that challenging. How many pieces is this, 100?

If the puzzle is just too easy, we can always play Lawsuit! Doesn’t this look like a blast? Only $34.96. This just screams Supreme Court slumber party, amiright ladies?

I know at our awesome Supreme Court slumber party I will be snuggled up under this classy Supreme Court blanket. I will also take it to work to shiver under in my freezing cold office this summer. $66.95!

Who wants a Supreme Court cocktail? Enjoy it in your Supreme Court old fashioned glass for $6.95. No better way to wait out this agony than by getting shitfaced.

Happy 40th, Title IX!

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Forty years ago today, Title IX, introduced by feminist Senator Birch Bayh, was signed into law by President Nixon. The ladies love you, Mr. Bayh!

So get out there today, ladies, and celebrate by playing a sport or something. Or, if you’re like me and the thought of playing a sport is laughable, cheer on the ladies competing in the Olympic trials for track and field today.

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